Feb/10 0
Indecisive
Mood: Tired.
Music: Green to Black by Rebelution
Thought: Damn, I should really stop posting weekly in such a meticulous manner.
I am the definition of indecisive. I am confused college student at its best. I've gone through college so far feeling like I don't have a passion for anything but when I do find what I think is my passion, I don't want it to be my passion. Its confusing but that's why I'm so confused. It all boils down to me though and what I choose, because this situation would all seem very easy if I wasn't so wishy-washy about everything.
I find myself saying to people "I'm a Physiology major and I am thinking about nursing." But what have I done to show that that's the path I want to pursue? Nothing.
I'm too busy focusing on my Global Poverty minor, taking education and random humanities courses. Sure I work two jobs but one's just an office job that has nothing to do with anything. The other is my AmeriCorps job at the preschool which I LOVE. But I keep telling myself: I did not graduate from Berkeley to become a preschool teacher. I did not major in a "pre-med" major and destroy my GPA to become a preschool teacher. (But then again, maybe I did? Who knows.)
I keep thinking, I should be focusing on some sort of science-related research. But no. I'm working with a film professor and we're working on making a documentary/promotional video for the Gates Millennium Scholars that focuses on diversity, education and media. I have no film background, what the hell am I doing? She's promised to write me a letter of recommedation though, so I'll just have to pull through with it.
I should be volunteering at a hospital or a clinic. Shadowing a nurse, doing something related to what I keep saying I want to do. But the more and more I'm living my life, the more I'm beginning to think I'm just trying to save my pride. Pfft, who am I to look down on being a preschool teacher when that's the only thing I've felt passionate about?
I mean, I think its a big jump from wanting to be a wedding planner when I "grow up".
I'm totally the Jack of all trades and master of none. Ughhh. I hate real life, its scary.
Feb/10 5
Exhilarating
Mood: Swamped.
Music: King Without a Crown (Live at Stubb's) by Matisyahu
Thought: Are my "moods" even moods anymore? =P
Sorry about not returning comments again, the retreat that I went on was extremely fun but very tiring and ate up my entire weekend. We went to stay at a lighthouse in San Francisco. It might sound weird but the lighthouse itself is really small and it is a historic site with a hostel, so we stayed in the hostel (not inside the lighthouse haha). It was freezing because it was right next to the ocean but it was so beautiful it didn't matter. I got to watch the sunset, which was awesome. I didn't know the sun set that fast though, one second it was just beginning to touch the water and the next it was absolutely gone! I thought it would be a long process or something, considering out slow the sun inches across the sky in the day.
I was a trooper and climbed pretty far out on the cliffs the first day, luckily no drowning or falling for me. I can't swim so I was pretty scared but I'm a daring person, so it didn't matter. ![:]](http://uninsomnia.org/wp-includes/images/smilies/more_than_happy.png)
The next morning we all drove down to the beach before we left, and it was so fun! This is only the second time that I've been to the beach so it was great. We took off our shoes, rolled up our pants and ran around like little kids - it was great. The weather was amazing too - blue skies and cool breeze, everything was so beautiful I didn't care how frozen my feet were chasing the waves!
But when I came back home, I saw a news article that stated a woman got pulled out to sea and drowned a mere two hours after our group had left the place! 
The ocean can be so scary but tranquil at the same time. I should probably learn how to swim sometime soon.
Jan/10 0
Stupid Weather
Mood: Actually really relaxed, for how busy I'm supposed to be. It's the reggae.
Music: On Nature by Matisyahu
Thought: Squeezin' in a post before the weekend is suddenly over and I have no time.
Actually its ironic that I'm going to complain about the weather right now, since it is such a sunny day outside. I know I probably shouldn't complain, since I think most of you guys live in places with much harsher conditions than I do. I'm not sure about you, but the weather has a huge impact on my mood, style and my overall attitude toward my day. Since I live in a rainy, windy coastal city it really ruins a lot of things. I'm really sick of wearing my rainboots nearly everyday - there's only so many outfits that will go with the rainboots. I mean, Target makes them cute but seriously, only so many times I can go wearing the same thing everyday.
Last night I was planning on heading out to a "Lady Gaga" themed house party with someone, but because it started to rain and was pretty far (and I would have had to walk since very few students here have cars) I chose not to go. Rain was a sign that it was not the night to dress up like Lady Gaga. 
I'm getting ready to go for a retreat for the officers of the American Red Cross organization on campus. We've got to plan out the upcoming semester and make sure we're on top of all events and speaker-contacts, as well as "team bond". That's half the reason why I didn't blog all week long because I was trying to finish all of my homework and readings before the weekend. Who knows if I'll blog again but I really will try, I think blogging and going to the gym will really help me relieve the stress that will be building up.
I went to a pilates class on Thursday night and I totally forgot how intense it was. My legs are extremely sore and it hurts my stomach to laugh. I like feeling sore though, it makes me feel like what I'm doing is actually having an impact. I'm definitely planning to go to the gym if not on a set schedule, than at least three-four times a week. Need to look good for when the weather will finally let up. It's supposed to rain all week next week though, GRRR.
Jan/10 4
Hypocritttee
Mood: Cranky.
Music: lights camera action by The Knux
Thought: Yeah, I know.
I might just be one of the biggest hypocrites that I know. What am I trying to talk about today? Listening to people complain - mainly just listening to people complain to me about how difficult their schedules are, or how little time they have and how tired they are. If you scroll down and saw what my schedule is like this semester, and remember that I have had a schedule of equal difficulty in all three years of college so far - then I hope that you'd agree that I have the right to write this post today.
No, I'm not complaining about how busy my schedule is. I chose my schedule to be like that. I chose to take the courses that I signed up for and I chose to work two jobs along with be an active officer in a service organization (Red Cross). My choices, I won't regret them or whine about them. Its something I'll accept because I put myself into that situation on my own.
I'm namely speaking about my roommates because honestly, I feel that they have such a fortunate life. Their only balancing school and...school. One of them complains about never having time, when she clearly spends most of her time studying and gets stellar grades. Both are taking less units than I am and neither have even one job. Sure, one is volunteering but only for 4 hrs a week and the other is also in the Red Cross with me. But hey, aren't I doing two jobs AND the Red Cross AND volunteering AND taking 18 (semester) units?
I am not one to look down on others but sometimes when I compare my schedule to that of others, when I compare my experiences to that of certain others, I find myself hating them for ever complaining. I find myself resenting them for having the leisure to relax.
If they claim they have no time, then what do I have? Negative time? When they say they've had little sleep, then what about my countless nights of no sleep? When they claim they haven't "done any work", then what does that make of my mountain of schoolwork I stay up at night working on - when they have the honor of sleeping at 10 PM each night?
Sometimes I even walk around the apartment with my headphones in so I don't have to listen to their feeble complaints.
Luckily, I rarely ever complain to people and I never complain to those I know have it even rougher than I do. But I guess I need to whine somewhere though, so why not here?
Jan/10 1
Ohhh Kay
Mood: Busy.
Music: Nothing! =[
Thought: Most useless post in the world? I think so.
Sorry everyone, the first week of school has already been extremely intense. I don't want to bore you with written details so this will be one of my few picture heavy entries! I like pictures, maybe I'll do this more often. But just so you have a general idea, here is how my schedule this year looks like:
I basically start at 8AM and end at around 6-8 PM. School and two jobs is going to kill me someday.
When I got back to my apartment, the first thing to do of course was to unload everything and reorganize! I love reorganizing. I was very proud of how I managed to arrange all of my clothes, jewelry and makeup (not that I have a lot anyway). Other than what is underneath the cut, classes have been going pretty well. I despite readers though, which three of my classes require. In total, I had to buy four readers and spent around $110 - and mind you, readers cannot be returned! GUHHH. I'm so poor right now I can't even withdraw $20 from my bank account!
Jan/10 5
Do Your Part
Mood: Down, way down.
Music: The Ching Emperor theme by Julian Cheung
Thought: Sometimes I think, who needs a bachelor's degree when you should probably be helping the billions of people suffering in the world? Then I remembered that without the degree, I could probably only do so much for them.
I know this probably sounds like a broken record now, but it would be a big help for any of you out there who have or will donate to help the victims of the recent disaster in Haiti. As a member of the American Red Cross, I feel that helping to spread the word is something else I should be doing - other than donating myself. I'm so close to packing up my bags and going to help. If only I wasn't poor and school didn't start in two days.
You can donate to the relief effort HERE.
You can also text "Haiti" to 90999 to send a $10 donation to the Red Cross. 100% of donations will go to support relief in Haiti.
You can also donate at YELE.ORG.
Or text "YELE" to 501501 to donate $5 to the Yele Haiti Earthquake Fund.
Animals need your help too: the Humane Society International has also taken lead in aiding the animal victims of the earthquake. CLICK HERE TO DONATE
Please don't be like Taylor Momsen, who when asked about her thoughts on the earthquake has said:
“Um, right now I’m trying to just finish my record and getting through the last season of Gossip Girl for right now. So not so much thinking about that.”
Jan/10 0
I’m Ready to Leave
Mood: Broke
Music: Telephone by Lady Gaga ft. Beyonce
Thought: You know, its really easy to cry on the spot now that I've held everything in for so many years.
I think I've been home too long. It's a depressing place to be, really. It must be something in the town, or maybe its just this broken ass family of mine that makes the anger and depression in me come out. It just so happens that my specific form of depression can easily be passed off as anger, simply because everyone else in the family has got enough problems of their own to care about that they can ignore me easier if they think of me that way.
I've been extremely irritable towards both of my sisters in the past few days and yeah, it is my fault but its their fault for 1) making dumb moves and 2) acting like they are the only ones that matter. But I don't blame them. I guess as the oldest and youngest, they are the only ones that matter. For any siblings out there: Being the middle child sucks, even more than being the oldest. At least when you're the oldest, you get the praise of being the brave pioneer, even when you're too busy screwing up your own life to realize it.
Both my parents came to try and comfort me today but they could only do so much because I couldn't really tell them what was wrong. I couldn't tell them that I was angry that they always assume that I have no problems. I couldn't tell them that I was angry that they only come to comfort me "when they have time". I couldn't tell them that I hated being at the end of the list because they never worried about me.
At home, the priority list goes: younger sister, older sister, business-related stuff (we own a restaurant), immigration stuff (my mom's older brother & his family just immigrated here), then Shelly. If my mom isn't too tired and sleepy, or menopausing. I can lock myself in my room and not eat lunch or dinner for a whole day, and no one bothers to come ask me any questions. "She's just in a mood, ignore her and she'll get over it." Sorry, I'm not six-years old. I'm just sick of you.
When I go back to college to start the semester next week, I won't be coming back home unless some ridiculous, hardcore shit is going down. I want nothing to do with this family anymore. Even though I'm sure this won't really happen because hey, no matter how shitty a family is you always hope that it'll change.
Jan/10 3
Road to Recovery
Mood: Confused.
Music: None.
Thought: CHOICES CHOICES CHOICES
I think yesterday was the butt of all the pain, I'm feeling a ton better now. Thanks everyone for expressing their care! No more drinking a liquid diet for me anymore. I finally ate a cup noodle and ate some steamed egg (a Chinese dish, its soft like jello) with a small bit of rice. YES FOR SOLID FOOD. Although I did eat the noodle with little to no chewing, it doesn't matter. I'm sure my stomach enzymes will take care of everything. 
I spent most of yesterday and this morning trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, since my college life is coming to a quick end soon. I'm not sure if any of you know but I'm a Physiology major and I'm "pre-health". I mentioned it a couple days ago, that I'm only a science major by process of elimination. I'll try to breakdown this process now:
One. Crossed humanities and social science majors off the list. I have no interest in economics or business. I probably can't find a job as an english or history major.
Two. Freshman year, I took calculus and came very close to failing. Decided that I couldn't do any higher levels of college math - no linear algebra, mulivariable calculus, etc. Nope. Cross any major that makes me take more math. Goodbye engineering & hardcore science majors like chemistry (sobbb).
Four. At the end of my sophomore year, Physiology was the only major that I had most of the prereqs completed for and was the only major I could declare and still graduate on time. I had thought about transferring to a Nutritional Science major, but that would mean 5 years of undergrad instead of the usual 4.
I haven't been sure what field of medicine I wanted to go into at all but I'm leaning towards nursing. I feel extremely confused though. In the back of my head, I'm still thinking - if I had tried hard enough, would I have been good enough for medical school? Or rather, was I trying hard enough or did I just think that I was trying really hard? I'm not choosing nursing "just because I can't be a doctor" but I'm really afraid that's what people will think of me. Blegh. Decisions are so hard.
Jan/10 4
Delicious Blood
Mood: Groggy.
Music: Schlaflied〈Chorus〉 - Maou OST
Thought: Two more weeks until school starts.
No, I'm not a vampire nor will I ever jump on the vampire-bandwagon - be it Twilight or True Blood. Its difficult to do more than just sit, stare, sleep and wait the 4 hours until I can take my next Vicodin. I'm actually not sure when I should be weening myself off the drugs. 
I'm afraid to since its going to hurt like shit if I accidentally stop the medication too quickly. Today is the third day after wisdom tooth extraction and I can feel my cheeks being a little swollen.
I started to eat yesterday, and man - Ensure is some nasty shit. Well, its not nasty to most people but I got the vanilla flavor and it is extremely sweet. I'm not a "sweet" flavor kind of person. My parents made me congee (Chinese porridge?) and I tried to slurp up some of that. The bleeding is slowing down, I think but I can still taste a blood when I'm eating. Blegh, not fun at all.
Anyway, I'll talk about something else! My classes next semester, other than Physics (boo optics & magnetism).
2) Literacy: Individual & Societal Development. I'm the most excited for this class. I've always loved education, I think I might end up being a preschool teacher. But know that I don't want to be a teacher either. Contradiction? Yes. In my opinion, I didn't go through 4 years of MCB (Molecular & Cell Biology) hell at Berkeley to become a preschool teacher (my ultimate dream). Becoming a preschool teacher after fighting with pre-meds for 4 years is just so anti-climatic.
3) The Geography of Economic Development in China. This actually sounds really boring right? I'm not looking forward to it that much, I only signed up because I thought it was going to be an elective requirement for my Global Poverty minor. I don't think I even need this class anymore but its far too late into the year to drop it and find a replacement. 
4) The Ethics, Methods, and Pragmatics of Global Practice. This is a core class that is required for my global poverty minor. I'm actually indifferent on it because I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing/learning (other than what is obviously in the title).
AND, I have another resolution to add: Grow my hair long enough to donate 10-inches to Locks of Love.
Jan/10 0
Waiting for Vicodin
Mood: Loopy.
Music: Pretty Fly (For a white guy) by The Offspring
Thought: I haven't eaten anything today. I'm going to cry.
Before I begin, my lame ass lied when I said I fixed the comments. Thanks Tiffany for letting me know. I hope they are fixed now.
So, at around 9 AM today I went and got all four of my wisdom teeth extracted. I don't remember much because they put me to sleep but I did know that they had a lot of trouble finding a good vein because I have terrible circulate, and it was freezing in that office. They brought in a blanket for me while I was waiting for the surgeon, I don't remember if they kept the blanket on me the whole time though. They first gave me some laughing gas and I was really hoping it would make me laugh but it just makes you light-headed and breathe faster. 
The next thing I know, I was waking-up kinda but my eyes kept opening and then closing to sleep again. I don't know how long it took for me to wake up but I do remember shivering really badly. I was trying to suppress it so I didn't look so lame but in the end the nurse asked me if I was cold and laughed in a "I'm sorry" kind of way. 
They moved me from the surgery room to some recovery room where I just laid down and slept some more. I have to keep gauze in my mouth to stop the bleeding - and this is the only time where my bad habit of grinding my teeth comes in! I'm actually really good at biting down on the gauze to stop the bleeding. I just hope I'm not actually still grinding my teeth when I'm asleep - since its not something I can control. The most painful process of it all is when I have to change gauze and take my medicine (vicodin for pain, an antibiotic to prevent infections). My lips are completely chapped and I never though my throat could feel so dry. But even drinking water to take the medicine is extremely painful - water accidentally gets on the wound and it hurts like a bitch.
I've never keeled over and cried in pain before, but now I have. It's only on the right-side of my mouth though, so I hope its not something I did - like accidentally damage it some more? I really hope not. Sometimes thinking about the pain of changing gauze makes me not even want to take the vicodin. Blegh. Another hour before I can take another vicodin...