It hurts when you tell me you don’t care whether I bought you a birthday present or not,
But it means a lot to me,
I care,
Mostly because I don’t know many more birthdays you will be around for.
It Hurts.
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New Domain
I’m kind of wanting to get a new domain.
I want to hold onto this one too. I like it too much to get rid of it – had it for too long to let it go.
I don’t know what I’d do with another domain though, seeing how little I blog anyway.
We’ll see.
Does it make me an evil person?
Hey sister,
Does it make me an evil person when I screamed at you on the phone today a little over a week ago because again, for the third time in the past year you’ve called me yet again to tell me ‘he broke up with you’? That he found some problem with you. That he didn’t mean anything nice he ever said to you.
That you are broken.
That you are hopeless.
That you can’t promise me that you won’t hurt yourself. Again.
That you can’t promise me that I can count on calling you the next day (or even the next hour) and expect you to be there to answer the phone.
Does it make me an evil person to actually have thought in my head that maybe grieving for your death would actually be better than this hell you are putting me through every single day?
I thought I could do it too.
Thought I had the courage to tell you, ‘No. I can’t help you call him.‘
But then you hung up on me,
stopped answering my calls,
stopped answering my text messages.
And the pain didn’t stop.
The sorrow grew deeper.
The tears, heavier.
I don’t want you to leave me.
But I’m out of ways to tell you how much I love you,
I’m out of ways to tell you to stay strong for me,
because every time – it doesn’t seem like I matter.
And the pain Never. Stops.
Patient with the toes
Dear Ms. Patient,
It’s been a while since I’ve had any motivation to blog about any of my nursing school/clinical rotation experiences. But today you’ve left me feeling warm and fuzzy and useful again – despite barely doing anything nursing-related throughout an entire 8-hour shift of clinicals.
I’ve been in a huge “clinical rut” lately – been fumbling with fingersticks, entering droplet precaution rooms without a mask, forgetting to wear gloves and a gown for contact precaution rooms, accidentally lying to new mother’s in the postpartum unit about how long it’ll take for their baby to return from the nursery…only to have their baby shipped to the NICU minutes after. Also, being the only one in my entire clinical group to have not been able to watch a vaginal birth (saw a couple cesarean sections, but it’s not the same), etc. Just not much happening on my clinical rotations and I’m rusty. I barely even get to do vitals anymore for my patients, much less insert foley catheters, do dressing changes or tracheotomy care.
You taught me today that the best thing a nurse could do for their patients’ sometimes is just to be with them. It’s almost nonexistent for a real nurse though because a real nurse has to manage 4-6 patients per shift. No time to pee, much less sit and hold the hand of a scared old lady all day.
I didn’t do vitals today but I did stay with you because you were shaking and scared.
I didn’t draw blood cultures today but I did help wipe your tears and support you when vein after vein was blown while trying to obtain a blood sample.
I didn’t give medications today but I did help get your mind off the physical and emotional pain caused by your diabetic neuropathy and necrotic ulcers on both your feet.
Sometimes I forget that being a nurse means so much more than cool, flashy procedures.
Sometimes being a nurse means being able to gain the trust of a patient,
being able to make a patient feel safe when they’re scared,
being able to trick a patient into eating dinner when they’re being stubborn,
or being able to hold their hands in times of need.
And because of you Ms. Patient, I now get to brag:
My patient sent her roommate’s children to come looking for me when I stepped out of the room longer than 15-minutes. My patient gave me a hug today, kissed me on the cheek and even blew me a kiss as I waved good-bye at the end of my shift.
Even though I thought I did “absolutely nothing” today, I realized that I was doing so much more.
Thank you.