Why is it that girls always fall into the “shopping” trap whenever they are feeling down? Is chocolate not good enough? Was that half-a-custard pie with ice cream not good enough? Apparently not because I’m absolutely broke! Let’s see the kind of money I’ve already spent in this past month — disregarding the money used to buy food what what-not. Groceries rarely ever exceed 30$ every two weeks or so for me — yes, I’m a thrifty grocery shopper.

I’m actually just doing this so I can keep track of where all my money is going, because I feel like I’ve randomly lost it all.

1) 75$ on a skincare haul, I only do one of these once every half a year to a year — so it’s well worth my 75$ to spend if everything I get lasts for so long. Oh and its 75$ because of that free-shipping business. I should probably get that girlie website that I had planned up, so I can talk about my hauls on there. Or I could just do it here.

2) 70$ for a Biochem book. This is for school but its going up here anway.

3) 211$ – Parking permit that I bought for my older sister to stay here in Berkeley with me for the summer. She owes me this money, but technically mom mom owes me this since my older sister doesn’t work and her money is my mom’s money anyway. I got jipped on this one.

4) 20$ on a mini make-up haul, just a bunch of small eyeshadows and something called an “epistick” that I wanted to try out. I got it off someone that sells things via livejournal — sounds shady, but its from an online friend.

5) 37$ on some clothes. Ordered two shirts and a cardigan.

6) 30$ on two dresses, but this off a survey that an online buddy is doing, so I won’t actually be paying until the seller confirms that she’s gotten the items.

7) ~50$, also on clothes that are part of a survey a friend is doing, so I haven’t lost this money…yet.

Dude what is that? A little over 400$? Blegh. I’m happy I work, so all this money is my own and not my parents.

Is it heartless for me to hate your happiness?
Is it crime for me to cry at night just because you think my pains aren’t as deep as yours?
Is it hateful of me to hide in my corner because I don’t want to see you?
Is it pitiful of me to plug my ears, just so I can’t hear you hurt me?

I know I promised no more emo posts but sometimes I just don’t know anymore.

It bothers me that I live my life to please others.

Is it a sin for me to be selfish?

So.

Today is/was Father’s Day. And I hate meeting with family, family friends or anything related to my family. Because as much as I’m “supposed” to love the, I just don’t feel it.

Somehow I let it slip that I’d be attending the Pride Parade this weekend out in San Francisco. My uncle ordered me to sit down and we got into a huge argument regarding gays and lesbians. It was a big argument about whether I was going to support them or not. And guess what? I’m not afraid to say yes I am. So what if he’s family. So what if my parents probably think the same way. So what if he threatened to beat me if I did say I supported them. I’ll come out and say what I want. I support gay marriage. I don’t think society should get into such a ruckus over definition. Why should a simple definition suddenly ruin the happiness of tens of thousands of people?

No, I’m not a lesbian. I like boys. Yes, I have friends that are gay. I have friends that are lesbians. Hell, more than half my office is either gay or lesbian — and one of them is (or was?) legally married. So what. For me to lie to my uncle about my views, just to make him happier, would be to betray too many people who have treated me far better than he ever has.

We also went to Costco after a Father’s Day lunch. We went with some family friends. And all of them kept staring at me, and when they finally couldn’t hold it in any longer, “Shelly, do you know you have lots of pimples?”

OMG REALLY? No! I didn’t. So that’s what these hideous spots on my face are. Thanks for informing me! [/sarcasm]

And get this, they’ll even ask me this: “Shelly, why do you have so many pimples?”

Acne. It’s acne. And if I knew why, don’t you think I would have gotten rid of it by now?

Really. I’m tired of it. I don’t think I’m going to come home. Ever. Fuck the Fourth of July.

I’d like to just apologize for the types of posts that I’ve been making in the past weeks. For some reason, I decided to cut off almost every other form of contact with the world, and chose to express my anger and pain on here. Is that what a blog is for? I don’t know. That’s the basic idea of what a blog was made to be. But I keep getting the feeling that blogging is just another chance that people like me get to make a new impression on society. And I guess I just went down the same path as before.

But don’t worry, I’ve found my journal again. So the only one who will be reading my mental troubles will probably be myself and whoever decides to dig into my stuff.

On the other hand, I’ve started up a Twitter. I guess since I’ve deleted my Facebook, Twitter was the next option. Its like being able to update my status all the time without having to deal with the other bullshit on Facebook that makes me depressed. If you have one, come and find me: http://twitter.com/nowarist.

I’m still getting used to using Twitter, its a little too simplistic for my mind to understand. As silly as that may sound. Example? Today I tried to use Twitter like the search-bar on Google. Ha-ha. I’m so old school.

I’ve had enough of this paranoia.
I don’t want to have to spend my whole life thinking over what words I want to say and remorsing over the ones that I have. That’s what sucks about humans – we can’t ever just let things go. If we all had the memory of a goldfish, things would be perfect. The world would keep moving and everyone will be content without our distress and heavy emotions.

I wonder why it is that I feel no attachment to anyone or anything around me. I think I do feel attachment, to a certain level. But if really, the sky were to fall and take everything I have away, I’d be ready.

I’d be the first one willing to step in the hole the Earth opens up for me.

It’d be an amazing gift.

How often can you tell when someone is being fake towards you, before you die of paranoia?

Can you tell when you’re being fake? I can. And I hate it.

Well, I’ve been sitting at home all day, mostly, minus the four hours that I worked in the morning. I’m alone in my apartment right now because my older sister is probably having fun in Six Flags and heading home. I told her to leave. I don’t know how I’ll be able to live with her for the next month and a half when her class starts. There’s no one here.

I’ve deleted my Facebook, but who knows how long that’s really going to last.
I don’t feel like going on AIM.
I don’t want to see how happy everyone else is. I don’t want to hear how pleased with your life you are. I don’t want your advice if you’re only going to tell me I need to change. I don’t want you if you’re going to tell me that my life is not ok and that I need to fix it.

Sadly, I think this post might be my first form of contact all day — considering my boss was sick today so I literally just did my own work in my cubicle, and left.

I need to finish writing my essay for my film class. Oh Slumdog Millioaire, I guess you weren’t that great of a movie after all. Analysis ruins everything.

Or at least, thats what a friend said to me on a voicemail they had left. And I guess I am a little missing right now. I don’t feel like I want to be a part of this world, but not death-wise. I’ve become somewhat of a hermit since this weekend and I kind of know why. But only kind of. I just want to be able to sit in my bed and do nothing. Some people criticize me about how boring I can be sometimes, but don’t I deserve to be boring? Other than what is necessary for work and class, I don’t even want to go outside. Hell, I barely even want to talk. It sucks because my older sister is going to be living with me at my apartment for the rest of summer, for her C.N.A. class out in Hayward. And she wants to talk. She wants to pretend like she can’t see that I’m unhappy, but that’s because she has her own problems.

I hate how families think they can have a special pass just because we’re related. Well in my world, you’re just the same as everyone else.

I know it makes no sense for me to be angry at her. I’m the one who offerred for her to live with me in the first place. But that was before I realized I hated her. That I hated my family for how perfect they can be, how much they can sacrifice for each other and leave me in the dust so many times. I don’t want to depend on them and I don’t want to talk to them. I just want to move away and make enough money to buy my parents a house, a car, and then just leave it at that. Fulfill my duty, pay my debt. So they can finally stop pretending that they care and love me, when they were probably counting on my death when I was born premature.

Their love is fake, their care is fake. Usually I can’t feel the fake-ness but this time, somehow its stronger and I can’t ignore it.

Go away. Stop stealing my happiness. Stop taking what little I have managed to hide from you.

I’m just waiting for a time in my life when I’ll finally feel like I’ve adjusted.
A time when I feel like I can stop changing my life, my thoughts, my opinions and my personality to make sure that the people around me are pleased.
I hate change, I really do. I’m one of those people who wouldn’t mind waking up and doing the same things everyday, if it meant that I could live and die without ever leaving a trace of my wicked footsteps on this ever peaceful Earth.

I really wouldn’t.
Stop making me change.

I really have been in a bad mood lately. This morning I woke up like I usually do at around 7:30 AM to get ready for work, and after I was done in the bathroom I found out that my roommate was also awake. And it just put me in a bad mood to see that I didn’t have the whole room to myself (technically) anymore. I’d have to go into the bathroom to get dressed and I can’t stand in front of my mirror in my underwear picking out which shirt I want to wear. Well, I could but it would definitely make my roommate feel uncomfortable even if I didn’t have a problem with it. She’s a really reserved girl. I think she’s conservative only because she’s really sheltered and naive, like how I am liberal only because I really don’t care enough about things in life. Nice match right?

Well anyway, didn’t end up going to San Francisco because my roommate didn’t want to spend anymore money. And I realized I am pretty low on cash too since my paycheck last month was definitely not enough to cover anything useful. Sadly, I think I might cut down some more hours from work if I end up finding a health clinic or hospital to volunteer with. I mean, I love making money and I love my job (office job, workstudy) but it really has nothing to do with what I want to do in the future. I’ll figure things out though — I want to continue being able to pay my own rent without having to ask for money from my parents.

I think apart from the 100$ that my mom gives me to go grocery shopping every two or three weeks, I haven’t asked my mom for money since freshman year, when I moved out of the dorms. Dorms are ridiculously expensive.

I like to think I’m a good kid so I could hide the rotten, anger-filled thoughts that circulate in my head.