Usually it’s just in the middle of the night,
when I lay down to sleep and I can’t,
that it hits me.

And sometimes in the middle of the day,
or right when I wake up.

But usually in the middle of the night,
right before I close my eyes to sleep,
and I can’t.

It used to be the honest to God fear of losing someone I love and cannot live without.
But in the past few months it’s been more the fear of that fear,
if that makes any sense.

Or worse,
it’s over hypothetical situations of how the people I love would go,
how I might act if it really happened,
what I would say to others,
how I would hunch over and cling to their tombstones,
how I might cry in their last breaths, pleading them not to go–

And then I would run these scenarios over and over in my head,
with the fear that they could be real closing in,
And then I can’t breathe.

I’m angry.
Over these hypothetical scenarios filled with real people.

And then I cry.
And I don’t sleep.


Somehow, nothing I do is ever “right”.
Nothing makes anything better.
No matter what I do.
So I wonder why I even try anymore.
It hurts to want someone to care about you,
it is painful to keep expecting the day to be bright,
the sun to come out and play,
your smile to always be there,
your anger to subside,
your resentment to become forgiveness.

But it is never going to happen, is it?
Sometimes I regret ever trying.
I regret ever getting involved in anything anymore.

I just don’t care.
I don’t want to eat.
I don’t want to breath.
I don’t want to live.

There’s no purpose if everyone I love just keeps crying,
just keeps yelling,
just keeps forcing me to pick sides,
keeps asking me for an answer.

The answer.

The answer?
Maybe it’ just better if I just disappear.

Then it wouldn’t matter so much.
Then I wouldn’t hurt so much.
Then I wouldn’t need to cry so much,
over the fact that I don’t have the answer,
and that I can’t do anything for anyone.

I Take It Back.

I sit here at 1:29 AM writing this even though I have to be up at 6:00 AM to be ready for med pass.
I don’t know why I always choose the night.
I don’t know if it’s her that chooses the night,
or if it’s me.
If I attract it.
If I ask for it.

I found out today that you were home with him.
That you are back together.
Even though it sounded like he had left you again 3 weeks ago,
that he had broken your heart for the infinite time,
that he had recanted all the promises,
that he cheated you of all your money.

I even spoke to you on the phone last week when you told me you were home.
But you never told me you went home with him.

Why did I find out tonight?
At 1:29 AM.
When I should be asleep.
When I could be resting.

But now I’m just anxious,
I’m upset,
and I’m sad.

Last time you told me that you did not plan on dying anytime soon.
And now I know why.

It wasn’t because of anything new,
it wasn’t a new revelation or a development,
it wasn’t change or growth.

It’s just the same story over,
and over,
and over again.

And it hits me like a wave erodes the cliffs.
That this will never end.

That this will never have the ending that I want it to have.

That I will live my life fearing,
that I won’t ever be able to say goodbye to you without choking up,
that I won’t ever be able to say goodnight to you without the fear that I wouldn’t see you the next morning.

I love you.

It’s a feeling.

Tonight this feeling is not sadness, its not despair. It’s 11:56pm and I feel good. I spoke to you for nearly two hours– about how our parents bought a new car without telling either of us, about your upcoming work schedule, about the injustices at your other two older jobs, about your moving into a new apartment soon with two guys, about your need for space and your love for our mom and how it is healthier for you to see her less. We talked about me too–about the stupid nurse manager at my old job, about camp nurse life, about my upcoming nurse practitioner interviews and how I need to take out my piercings and possibly dye my hair a darker color again. We chatted and we listened, we talked about your upcoming need to fix your tires because they’ve lost all traction and how you don’t want to speed above 90mph because if you so much as hit a pebble you could spin out and die.

And you said: “…and I don’t intend to die anytime soon.”

I’m holding you to that.

You said not to wait up for you because you still have 2 more hours of driving before you get to your new job tonight. You might forget to text me. I’ll check in with you in the morning.

You said you’d call me more just to mentally decompress.

Call me anytime.

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