Usually it’s just in the middle of the night,
when I lay down to sleep and I can’t,
that it hits me.
And sometimes in the middle of the day,
or right when I wake up.
But usually in the middle of the night,
right before I close my eyes to sleep,
and I can’t.
It used to be the honest to God fear of losing someone I love and cannot live without.
But in the past few months it’s been more the fear of that fear,
if that makes any sense.
it’s over hypothetical situations of how the people I love would go,
how I might act if it really happened,
what I would say to others,
how I would hunch over and cling to their tombstones,
how I might cry in their last breaths, pleading them not to go–
And then I would run these scenarios over and over in my head,
with the fear that they could be real closing in,
And then I can’t breathe.
Over these hypothetical scenarios filled with real people.
And then I cry.
And I don’t sleep.