Back and Forth

He is the one she calls 10 times before she goes to bed.
He is the one she calls the minute she wakes up.

And these times when she will not answer me,
or these time when she shoots me down,
I feel like drowning.
I feel like suffocating.

Except I have to do it in a way where no one will notice.
Because if there’s one thing she taught me,
it’s that if I wanted to do it,
I wouldn’t let anyone know.

And there’d be nothing anyone could do about it.
Ever.

This is what scares me.
If she does not let me know,
if she chooses to leave me without telling me,
I would follow her.
I would follow her until she saw how much I cared,
how much I loved,
how much I grieve.

Fake Answers

My roommates, professors and preceptors always ask me the same question:

“Do you think you’ll stay here after you graduate?”

And always I answer: “Maybe, it depends on where I find a job. I’m not opposed to staying here if this is where I get job.”

But that’s the biggest lie to ever come out of my mouth.
I want to go home.
I need to see my sister.
Nothing in the world can take me away from her.
Nobody in the world can take her away from me.

Nothing,
not even love or a new relationship,
not even a proposal or the best boyfriend in the world,
not even the best husband,
could keep me away from her.

I wish people would just stop asking me,
so I can stop lying.

Fighting

I don’t want to sleep anymore.
All I want to do is sit here and stay on the phone with her.
I need to hear her voice.
I need to see her respond to my text messages.
I need to know she is alive.
I need to know so much that I don’t want to do anything else.

All I need is to know.
I don’t want to eat.
I don’t want to sleep.
I don’t want to live,
if I don’t know.

Worst Thoughts

Today when we were Skyping,
I freaked out at every little thing.

But right before we signed off,
I pressed the button before you did,
and right before it closed — I saw you reach for something,
and I thought I heard the sound of pills in a bottle,
and now my heart is racing.

It’s racing, racing, racing.
What was that sound?
Why did I have to sign off in that millisecond?
I want to know,
I need to see you,
I need to hear you 24/7.

My mind is racing,
the fear is overwhelming.

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