Uninsomnia.org v7 Define Me

Not dead but getting there.

Shelly — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 05:41:11 +0000

Alllrighty. Sorry about the no posting and no emailing like I said I would, I have drafts saved in my email that have yet to be completed. I'm just trying really hard to get ahead in my classes in terms of assignments and readings (and its hard shit!) so bear with me! Until I am at least a week ahead of everything, I'll probably not be able to post. Give me until this weekend!

Thanks for all of your loving encouragement and support on that last post. Wish I knew all of you in real life!

17 units, 25 hr work weeks and 5 hrs of sleep each night

Shelly — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 22:18:41 +0000

Was it just me or was it just August 3rd not too long ago? I don't want to believe that its a new month. Or school year.

You know how most people say their college years were the most unforgettable? Somehow I feel like my college years were probably the worst years of my life.

I have an 8 - 5 PM schedule four days out of my five-day school week with no break. Wednesdays I go from 8 - 8 PM, no break. Mostly because I'm working 3 different jobs - or at least, hope to be working 3 different jobs. Let's see if I can really handle it. I've had a schedule similar to this for the past two years, this being my third.

I feel like my schedule prevents me from making new friends because I'd never have the time to hang out with them. Maybe that's why I haven't bothered looking for or starting a new relationship, who would want to date someone they'd only see for 4-5 hours at night -- time which would probably be spent studying anyway?

I feel like I don't know too many people who pay their own way through college so they'd never understand why I have to work so hard. Its not that they don't care or love me but my parents honestly don't have money for me, and I can understand that.

Why can't everyone else.

EDIT: Thank you all for the support! I know many of you have asked -- I do actually get financial aid, a lot of it. I basically have a full-ride, my scholarships and grants pay for all of my tuition, which I am tremendously grateful for. I have to work to pay for my rent (~$500/month), books, food, etc.

Running around with my head chopped off.

Shelly — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 06:57:36 +0000

School started last Friday for me on the 27th and since then I've just been trying to get situated to senior year. Blegh, graduate school applications.

I'm mainly running around trying to find professors and to get past employers to right me recommendation letters. Although I have had two professors agree to write me a letter, both have not gotten back to me and the deadlines are coming up fast! Then getting one of my employers to write one is pretty hard. I didn't think that this would be hard, especially since I've got three employers to choose from. I'm just going to continue emailing to see how things turn out.

I'm also taking an Anatomy lab this semester - its a complete bitch. We have bones I didn't know existed. Again, a very nerdy post on my part. But school and graduate school applications have been the only things on my mind since I'm trying really hard to pretend everything is OK on the home-front.

It's almost midnight, I have another 8 - 5 PM day ahead of me. I will definitely return all comments and address everyone tomorrow during work or something.

Nothing but the opposite of what I think I am.

Shelly — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 01:29:14 +0000

I'm not strong.

In reality, I'm the weakest of them all because I let the problems become my life.

I let the problems live me.

What I’m about to say, it’s offensive. I’m Sorry.

Shelly — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 16:18:01 +0000

Sometimes I look at your parents and I'm envious, how lucky you are that they can be together because they love each other and they love you.

Sometimes I look at your parents and I'm jealous, how lucky you are that your parents separated when they needed to be.

My mom called me last night to tell me where the deed to our house and documents for the restaurant are. She also told me which family members owe us money, how payments for the car and my older sister's medical bills are paid. She added up all of our assets for me and told me to write it down. It felt like she was reading me her will.

I could tell she wanted to tell me so much more, she wanted me to help. But I'm still in college and these shoulders are too weak to carry her burden.

Sometimes I look at your parents and I wonder why my mother can't leave him when the love was never there and the threats and punches keep coming. I wonder why I can't hate him even when he loses his temper. I wonder for how many more years or days my mother will stay alive.

Maybe I think too much or maybe I’m just scared.

Shelly — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 18:46:40 +0000

It's really difficult for me to look into someone's eyes because I'm afraid of what I'll see in them.

Judgement?
Hatred?
Love?
Lies?
Truth?
Infinite curiousity?

I'm afraid to make eye contact with people because it means I can't see what others are thinking or where others are looking. I get this feeling that I'm suddenly sucked into the world of the other person, a world I no longer have control of and nothing else matters.

I'm afraid that I'll look into the wrong eyes and never want to step back out.

Sometimes its not someone or something else but just faulty logic.

Shelly — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 16:22:26 +0000

You're has happy as you decide to be.
You're a success no matter what.

Instead of just believing in yourself or trying - do, act, make it happen regardless of whether you or others acknowledge that the belief is there.

I can afford Crate & Barrel on my own, thanks.

Shelly — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 19:00:43 +0000

Yesterday I got in another mini-argument with my roommate when we were walking by Crate & Barrel. I'm not sure if everyone knows what Crate & Barrel is but basically its a really expensive, gimmicky furniture store. Think IKEA but for real adults (as opposed to college students).

Me: Haha yeah...maybe one day when I have a legit income, I'll be able to afford to shop there.
Rooommate: It'll be your income and your husband's income--
Me: What do you mean? I could afford to shop there on my own when I have a full-time job.
Roommate: Maybe if you had a rich husband's income.
(This was all still said in a humorous/playful tone)
Me: You don't think I can afford to shop there on my own someday? (I'm seriously offended so I'm done joking around now)
Roommate: I'm just saying you'll need a husband to do it.
Me: Well I think I can do it, I mean it's an expensive place but its not like the sofa is covered in 24-karat gold. And I never said my whole house is going to be covered with Crate & Barrel stuff, I think I can afford a thing or two from there when I'm older.
Roommate: ...ok... (her tone was extremely offensive, like she was laughing at how adamant I was about having a high income when I'm older)

That seriously pissed me off. I don't even know where she was coming from. It's Crate & Barrel, not Prada, Gucci or Louis Vuitton.

Thanks for all the support. Not.

Just because you yourself don't plan on being capable of supporting yourself and a family on your own income doesn't mean that I can't. My man won't be a tool that I use to buy things for me, thanks. That's not how relationships work.

If I can afford college on my own and still manage to send home my leftover paycheck home to my mother while in college -- I, without a doubt, believe that I can make it in the world (financially) on my own.

One of the bitchiest things anyone has ever said to me.

Same-sex marriage and other things.

Shelly — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 19:14:31 +0000

Unless you understand the pain of a person's loneliness or truly care for a person's sadness, I don't think you have the right to govern a person's happiness.

A rare but GOOD weekend spent at home.

Shelly — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 18:47:17 +0000

Sorry I've been gone these past few days, I spent a good weekend with my family - part of it at home and part of it with my sisters and cousins. I went to Sacramento on Friday and Saturday:

* Haircut: The best $12 haircut that I've ever had, I got 10-inches cut off to donate to Locks of Love. Its in an asymmetric A-line bob, which I actually like. I haven't had short hair since I started growing it out in 4th grade -- really bad Asian bowl-cut memories!

* All you can eat sushi! I think this is the best thing about the Central Valley. $12/person is a really good deal for sushi, especially for big eaters like me. I at least triple what I actually paid for.

* Roseville Galleria Largest mall I've ever seen. So much space. So many shops. Bought stuff for everyone - even my parents!

* Movies: Watched Death at the Funeral, wasn't as funny as I thought it would be? I also watched a Cantonese-dub (w/ really crapply English subtitles) of the Korean movie My Sassy Girl. Honestly, the best part of the movie was the horrible English subtitles. Example: "Have you eaten yet?" translated to "We're engaged."

This weekend was really relaxing; my older sister seems to be a lot stronger and doing a lot better. Things will always be haunting me at the back of my mind, but I'm glad to see that she is finally starting to mature. Baby steps, but its a big difference from a year ago.

I went to a one-month baby party with my mom and younger sister on Sunday - supposedly I knew the father of the baby when I was a toddler. Awkward, I know. I didn't recognize anyone though so it was cool to just get free food.

Caught up on Bleach (its an anime, I'm not crazy) with my younger sister. Watched Valentine's Day (also not as good as I hoped) too.

Now I'm back in Berkeley, less than a week until school starts! Bah!